11 Irrational Beliefs

So I was busy going through my Counseling notes when I found Albert Ellis's theory on Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) and found 11 irrational beliefs in which he believed irrational thinking causes emotional and behavioral changes.

Basically what he meant was that, what we think, not what happened, will cause how we feel, and most of the time we think irrationally which causes our misery and problems.

Here are the 11 Irrational Beliefs that causes us misery:

1. An adult human must be loved or approved by almost everyone.

2. In order to feel worthwhile, a person must be competent in all possible respects.

3. Some people are bad or wicked and therefore should be blamed and punished

4.When things are not the way you want them to be, it is a catastrophe.

5. People have little or no control over the external causes of the bad things that happen to them.

6. The best way to handle a dangerous or fear-producing event is to worry about it and dwell on it.

7. It is easier to avoid certain life difficulties and responsibilities than it is to face them.

8. One needs to depend on others and to rely on someone stronger than oneself.

9. One's present behavior is determined primarily by one's past history.

10. One should be upset by the problems of others.

11. There is always a perfect solution to a human problem, and it is essential to find it.

Basically, Ellis states that by removing these irrational thinking and input more rational thinking we would be happier. This is not too far from the truth. Our thoughts do cause our feelings, and what we think is how we perceive the world. People who don't give a damn are happy in a sense that they don' t think whats happening to them is awful, its not awful to them when things don't work their way. Some people think that its the end of the world when things are not right for them.

Here is an example of how irrational and rational thinking changes our behavior, emotion and actions:

However, this theory doesn't explain and solve all human problems. It's just one step closer for us to understand the power of belief and that we are essentially what we think about. And like Ellis stated above, rationally thinking, there is not always a perfect solution to a human problem, and it is not essential to find it.

So have you got rid of your irrational thinking?

How Do You Say Goodbye

I was suppose to be studying, but found some old links that was stuck in my bookmarks and saw an old video. JUJU's Hello, Again ~昔からある場所~ (Ballad Ver.)!

It's been a long time since I watched it, can't believe I still cry when I saw it (I may be a bit soft in this area, teehee).

In the MV, the old man visits an old place which he and his girl used to go, hence the "昔からある場所" (mukashi kara aru basho - a place from long ago). Anyway he snaps photos of the place and his memories of his days with his wife soon took over and we see how he moved from one stage of his life to another with his wife until her eventful death.

Strangely enough I am currently studying for my Developmental Psychology - Adult and Aging exam, but it doesn't take a psychology degree to know how he felt.

So how do you say goodbye to someone who has accompanied you since teenage life until old age; someone who has become a part of you indefinitely. How do you say goodbye to someone you love so dear? How do you let go of many years of love and company?

I can say that most young and early adults wouldn't have thought about it, since we still have such a long live to live, but when things like this strikes, how do you let go of someone like that? Are we prepared to do it?

Have you ever thought of what would it be like to lose the person you love the most? Hmm, to far away to think? Too unrealistic? As far as I know, life is very fragile and we can go at any moment.

All we can do is cherish the people important to us and make each moment last.

In the end I guess it's all just part of life. The grand game of the Gods and Goddesses.

Here is the song and lyrics: The song in YouTube was taken away by Sony (copyright issue), so click on the link below.

PV JUJU Hello, Again ~昔からある場所~ (Ballad Ver.)

Itsumo kimi to machitsuzuketa kisetsu wa
The season we always waited for
Nanimo iwazu toorisugita
Passed without saying anything
Ame wa kono machi ni furisosogu
The rain downpours on the city
Sukoshi no RIGURETTO to tsumi wo tsutsumikonde
Wrapping my mere regret and sins

Nakanai koto wo chikatta mama toki wa sugi
Vowing not to cry the time passed
Itamu kokoro ni ki ga tzukazu ni boku wa hitori ni natta
Without noticing I became alone with my injured heart

"Kioku no naka de zutto futari wa ikite ikeru"
"We always lived together within my memories"
Kimi no koe ga ima mo mune ni hibikuyo sore wa ai ga samayou kage
Your voice still resounds in my chest, this is the wandering shadow of love
Kimi wa sukoshi naita? Ano toki mienakatta
Did you cry? I didn't see you at that time

Jibun no genkai ga dokomade ka wo shiru tame ni
I'm not living
Boku wa ikiteru wake jyanai
In order to know my own limits

Dakedo atarashii tobira wo ake umi ni dereba
But a new door opens when I went to the sea
Nami no kanata ni chanto "hate" wo kanjirareru
Being able to feel beyond the waves

Boku wa kono te nobashite sora ni susumi kaze wo ukete
I extend my hand advancing to the sky, the wind's blowing
Ikite ikou dokoka de mata meguruyo tooi mukashi kara aru basho
Let's live, revolving everywhere again in the place that existed long time ago
Yoru no aide de sae kisetsu wa kawatte iku
Even during the night the season will continue to change

Ame wa yagate agatteita
The rain rose at last


"Kioku no naka de zutto futari wa ikite ikeru"
"We always lived together within my memories"
Kimi no koe ga ima mo mune ni hibikuyo sore wa ai ga samayou kage
Your voice still resounds in my chest, this is the wandering shadow of love
Kimi wa sukoshi naita? Ano toki mienakatta
Did you cry? I didn't see you at that time

Time Machine

This post started with a song that a friend posted. It was Girls' Generation's (SNSD) Time Machine. While some people didn't like the song 'cause of the lack of the usual upbeat and catchy tune of the other SNSD songs, I find the lyrics quite meaningful, something everyone can relate to.

In someone's heart, there are things that we deeply regret, and at time we spend wondering if there is any time machine to bring us back to that time so that we can make the right choice this time.

Here's the song:

Lyrics:

[Jessica] Itsumo yori sukoshi hiroi heya tadahitori
Alone in the room that is more spacious than usual
It's over, guess it's over 
[Taeyeon] Futari de tsukuri ageta sutōrī mo munashiku
The story created by the two of us was also in vain
Kon'nani kantan ni kuzure teshimau nante
I couldn't believe it could crumble so easily

[Sunny] One mistake, got a one regret 
[Seohyun] "Dare mo kanpeki janai" tte
Nobody is perfect
[Sunny] Sō iikikasete mite mo
Even if I try to say and hear it
[Seohyun] Nani o shite mo kizu wa iyasenakute
The pain won't heal no matter what

*[All] Ima time machine ni norikonde
Right now, if I could ride a time machine
[Taeyeon] Anata ni ai ni iku
And meet you
[Seohyun] Koto ga dekitanara
If it could be done
[All] Mō nani mo negawanai
I wouldn't wish for anything else
[Sunny] Hakanakute tōI kioku ni naru mae ni...
Before the memories become distant and fleeting...


[Jessica] I need a time machine oh 
[Tiffany] I need a time machine oh

[Jessica] Hitori de sugosu jikan wa oso sugite
Time slows down when I'm alone
[Taeyeon] Ayamachi no batsu wa amarini mo omoku
The punishment for my mistake is severe 
[Jessica] Anata ga saigo ni nokoshita words
The last words that you left behind 
[Taeyeon] Ima demo zutto rifurein tomaranai
Even now I can't stop replaying the refrain 
Mada munegaitamu
My heart still hurts

[Sunny] Just one mistake, just one regret 
[Seohyun] Wagamama mo ima wa itoshikute
Even now, I still love you selfishly 

Repeat *

[Jessica] I need a time machine

[Tiffany] Jikū tobikoete anata ni aetara
 If I'm able to meet you through time and space
[Yoona/Sooyoung] Tatoe onaji
[Seohyun/Hyoyeon] Ketsumatsu mukaeta to shite mo kitto
Even if it's heading to the same conclusion, I'm sure
[Tiffany/Yuri] Kui wa nokoranai hazudakara
There won't be any regrets 

Repeat *

[Taeyeon] Yeah futari no omoide wasureteshimau mae ni...

Yeah before the memories of us are forgotten...

[Tiffany] Gimme a time machine 
[Jessica] Oh Gimme a time machine 
[Sunny] Oh Gimme a time machine

Sadly in life there are no time machines. We can only move forward in your lives. But knowing life only moves in one direction is what helps us grow. Our memories will always only be ours, playing back over and over in our minds. Even as time goes on and the day of those events become distant, we can always hold on to our precious memories and re-ive that moment when ever we dive into our hearts. Perhaps that is the only real "time machine"?

The REAL Reality of Self-Defense and Saving Your Own Ass

Did you notice? Crime rate is on the rise especially lately. With two consequtive robbing and kidnapping event at The Curve, robbery from knowing IP address, a Chinese cornered and beaten up by 12 members, beatings in Bukit Bintang area, air stewardess molested, even my mother's friend's son was beat up by a motorcyclist pretending to be injured, etc etc. Self-defense is seemingly getting more important, or is it?

The thing is many people have a wrong impression in self-defense. Even an ex-beauty queen can say something like "Don't bother learning martial arts." So lets clear up the fog a little. People spend thousands every year to buy insurance for injury, accident and death, but doesn't spare some of that money to acquire the more "physical" assurance - self-defense.

What? Self-defense? Get real!

* First off, learning self-defense is very different from learning martial arts. Learning martial arts requires passion and commitment to be able to excel; but anyone and everyone can learn self-defense. (Izham, A., 2012)

* Self-defense does not guarantee that you will be able to walk away from a fight uninjured, especially if the opponent is armed. Make this clear - when you are involved in a fight, you are putting yourself in harm's way. Even experienced master of any martial arts will not necessary leave a fight unscathed.

* Self-defense does not guarantee that you can fight off ten people at the same time. It only happens in the movies, not many can handle multi-people assaults, but knowing self-defense will give you an edge and increase your odds of surviving any kind of assault.

If so, why should I learn self-defense?

When you learn self-defense, we do not ask you to go and fight all the robbers that come your way. If someone is trying to rob you, say with a knife, and you figure that the items on you are not worth your life, then just give up your cash. No big deal. No point risking your life for a few hundred RM that you can earn  back right?

BUT! If it comes to a point that the assailant is not just trying to rob you, but trying to physically injure you, kidnap you, rape you, or worse kill you, then what are you gonna do?
Then it suddenly becomes a fight for your life! Your fight-or-flight response suddenly goes into high gear, your heart is beating out of your chest, you get numbness in your fingers and toes, you get a sudden boost of strength and speed.

At this point, you have to fight! 'Cause you realize if you don't, you'll definitely die. But your body cannot do what it does not know how to do. This is where self-defense come in.

When you are in a grave situation, your body will do what it is programmed to do, you will not be able to think straight, and don't count on remembering kung fu moves from movies you've watched. If you have learnt self-defense, you will act instinctively (because you have trained to attack and defend in a certain way) to attack and protect yourself. This self-defense "instinct" is the difference between living and dying.

Yes, you might get hurt, bruised or cut. But it is better than losing your life right? 

But it doesn't change anything if I am ambushed by many people at the same time?

It does make a difference. You might not be able to handle everyone at the same time, but many self-defense teaches tactics to be employed when facing many opponents. And a good strategy can be the difference whether you are going to make it out alive or not.

Let me tell you this, a trained person can move faster and more efficient in a fight than regular people.

Then I could just get a weapon and protect myself, I don't necessarily need self-defense, right? Or I could ask someone to accompany me?

You can get an alarm, or a pepper spray, or a knife, or some other types of weapon.

Consider this, having a weapon that you do not really know how to use puts you at risk because the assailant can always snatch your weapon and use it against you, then you would have given them more power to hurt you.

Learning self-defense, and your body becomes your weapon. It can never be taken away or used against you.

While it is safer to have someone go with you, but at most cases, the assailants just beats up everyone, like in the case of my mum's friend's son. So you sometimes can't count on people to protect you. In the hour of urgency, only you can protect yourself.

Nah, these things will never happen to me, and I can feel it when something bad is about to happen?

As a victim of an almost-successful robbery a few years ago, I can tell you, you can never feel it, or anticipate it or in anyway sense that it is going to happen to you.

I was just walking thinking about how to get back to the office and it just happened abruptly.

I tell you, when it happens, it will shock you, and you will not have time to think.

Bad things happens out of your control, out of your comfortable life zone. You can't sense it or predict it, and that makes it very scary - to know that you are not always in control, and that you will get injured or die in a matter of seconds. Ask the victims of The Curve, or any victims of robbery, rape and assault, and they will tell you the same thing. They never planned to be assaulted, or think that it will happen today, but it happened and they got a shock of their lives. It never hurts to be prepared.

Don't wait for disaster to strike then only understand the importance of prevention is better than cure.

Don't take life for granted, life is beautiful and to be enjoyed, but remember that it is also short and fragile.

Protect yourself, just like you're being insured.

Are you going to let life control you? Or take control of your life?

Recently a newscaster from TV3 joined our federation for self-defense because she realized the dangers of her parking lot at night and she works long hours. She is taking control of her life, she knows there is a danger and she wants to be protected.

Protect yourselves, be ready. Self-defense is like an insurance - you won't need it when you buy it, but when you need it it will not be readily available.

People that don't understand the concept of applying self-defense will think that it is useless, or think that it will make things worse, but have they really get into that horrific situation where you have to fight to live another day.

Learn something, anything, that will help protect you and keep you away from the dangers that prevents you from enjoying your life. There are many out there if you seek, Taekwando, Karate, Shinto-ryu, wing chun, krav maga, even just a basic self-defense. Spend some time to learn to protect yourself.

Take better control of your life.

On a side note, one of the sifu in our federation is having a free women self-defense workshop on 2/6/2012. Take a look if you are interested: http://selangoripmanvingchun.org/2012/05/women-self-defense-workshop/

The Case of 贱男人 & 笨女人

Have you ever had those friends that loves somebody so much that they foolishly cling on to them even after they are hurt so bad so many times by that same person already. I think we all met these friends at least once in our lives.

Back in my high school days when I was counselor I have heard many of these cases - basically a girl that loves a bad boy so much even after he hurt her and mistreat her she would still give her undivided love. I haven't heard another case for so long until today. I thought that these cases would subside as we grew older because people become mature enough to protect themselves and love themselves first. I guess I was wrong.

Today a course mate told me a story about her friend, quite pretty and has a good personality, but is stuck with a guy that goes way beyond taking advantage of her. According to my friend, they broke up many times, about 30 times approximately, all because of some trivial matter, such as the bf said that the girl has changed and he cannot accept it... Many times the guy would break up with her, leave her heart broken, and go on with another girl. After he broke up with his new GF, he would come back to her and she would accept him again.

On one occasion, when they were together, the boy even had sex with another girl in his room. The best part is that she can accept it and says that as long as he is honest she can forgive him. By this point of the conversation, me and another friend is giving the WTF face already. Seriously WTF!

The girl apparently is very soft hearted and would listen to whatever the boy says. The boy would tell her not to call him to 烦 him during certain times 'cause he is busy. Basically he will layan her when he want to and ditch her aside when he doesn't feel like it. She would be heartbroken every time they breakup.

My course mate grew up with this friend and she had tried many times to advise her to leave the guy for someone better, but she wouldn't budge. She looks nice and has a lot of people courting her but she is just so hopelessly in love with this boy. No matter what people tells her, she will never move away.

These kind of boy (I wouldn't call him a man since he has no balls) are exactly the type of people that make our fellow womankind hate us. They are the kind that gets good guys' blood boiling. How can you be with a man who cheats  frequently on you and treats you like dirt! Arghh!!!

But I have seen these cases far too many times already. And the ones who gets hurt are also the friends of these girls. As a friend, we feel hurt for them when they get hurt and dumped one too many times. We know we cannot do anything to waive her belief of love to the boy, she must one day realize how foolish she was by herself. We as friends can only painstakingly stand and watch over her when she cry. And as we look into the cruel reality of such things, we can only wonder why girls seem to fall head-over-heels for someone that hurt them, and ignore those that truly love them and give them happiness.

“如果女人总是等到夜深，无悔付出青春，他就会对你真。

是否女人永远不要多问，她最好永远天真，为她所爱的人。

只是女人，容易一往情深，总是为爱所困，终于越陷越深。

可是女人，爱是他的灵魂，她可以奉献一生为她所爱的人。”

－问

Maybe such is life. Humans have the tendency to like to get hurt and to feel the numbness of their hearts as they weep. I have searched many years for the answer as to why girl would give such a guy their all, and as other better qualified men would die for her love. Many of my friends was, and some of them still is, in such situation. Perhaps this is fate's cruel joke; a trial to strengthen the heart. Or perhaps love is just too beautiful and worthy of getting hurt.

“不是学不会，只是觉得爱太美。值得去沉醉，流泪。”

－学不会，林俊杰

I think this song is suitable now:

Doing Things Alone

I guess some people like it some people don't.

Some people see it as a sad case. Well, it really isn't, and there is nothing wrong with doing things alone. Like having coffee or lunch or dinner alone. It doesn't mean I don't have friends or companions to accompany me, it just means I like to have my own company and spend time with myself.

There is nothing sad about spending time with yourself. You get to know yourself better this way. Because the person who understands you most is yourself.

I guess this is the last semester I have to take a course by myself, while my other coursemates were always there for each other. I had to re-route my course outline because of higher BBI classes who are so damn hard to register! Making me drag on Statistics and Accounting. Finally I finished my 2 BBI courses this semester, Thank God! I will be back on track with my coursemates starting next semester.

Although it was kinda freaky to take such a hard course by yourself without people you know to back you up especially when exams are near, I find it very worthwhile as I have made new friends along this 3 semesters. These friends and seniors have been very good company.

A lecturer once told us that if our Malaysian students were to go overseas to study we would die with the group mentality that we have in our uni now. Well, he's got a point. In lectures different ethnic groups will seat with each other and just mingle with each other, the great 3 groups are of course the Malay, Chinese and Indian groups.

For students who are studying abroad, I guess they had to do things alone because there are no close friends around unless you make one, or some, along your journey.

I guess the good thing about it is you can always make new friends that you will end up depending on, too. And we can grow much more as a person when alone sometimes than having to stick with people all the time...

I Try to Remember

1. Everybody Doesn't Have to Love Me

Not everybody has to love me or even like me. I don't necessarily like everybody I know, so why should everybody else like me? I enjoy being liked and being loved, but if somebody doesn't like me, I will still be okay and still feel like I am an okay person. I cannot make somebody like me, any more than someone can get me to like them. I don't need approval all the time. If someone does not approve of me, I will still be okay.

2. It Is Okay to Make Mistakes

Making mistakes is something we all do, and I am still a fine and worthwhile person when I make them. There is no reason for me to get upset when I make a mistake. I am trying, and if I make a mistake, I am going to continue trying, I can handle making a mistake. It is okay for others to make mistakes, too. I will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make.

3. Other People Are Okay and I Am Okay

People who do things I don't like are not necessarily bad people. They should not necessarily be punished just because I don't like what they do or did. There is no reason why other people should be the way I want them to be, and there is no reason why I should be the way somebody else wants me to be. People will be whatever they want to be, and I will be whatever I want to be. I cannot control other people or change them. They are who they are; we all deserve basic respect.

4. I Don't Have to Control Things

I will survive if things are different than what I want them to be. I can accept things the way they are, accept people the way they are, and accept myself the way I am. There is no reason to get upset if I can't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be. There is no reason why I should have to like everything. Even if I don't like it, I can live with it.

5. I Am Responsible for My Day

I am responsible for how I feel and what I do. Nobody can make me feel anything. If I have a rotten day, I am the one who allowed it to be that way. If I have a great day, I am the one who deserves credit for being positive. It is not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better. I am the one who is in charge of my life.

6. I Can Handle It When Things Go Wrong

I don't need to watch out for things to go wrong. Things usually go just fine, and when they don't, I can handle it. I don't have to waste my energy worrying. The sky won't fall in; things will be okay.

7. It Is Important To Try

I can. Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks, it is better to try than to avoid them. Avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. Things worth having are worth the effort. I might not be able to do everything, but I can do something.

8. I Am Capable

I don't need someone else to take care of my problems. I am capable. I can take care of myself. I can make decisions for myself. I can think for myself. I don't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me.

9. I Can Change

I don't have to be a certain way because of what has happened in the past. Every day is a new day. It's silly to think I can't help being the way I am. Of course I can. I can change.

10. Other People Are Capable

I can't solve other people's problems for them. I don't have to take on other people's problems as if they were my own. I don't need to change other people or fix up their lives. They are capable and can take care of themselves, and can solve their own problems. I can care and be of some help, but I can't do everything for them.

11. I Can Be Flexible

There is more than one way to do something. More than one person has had good ideas that will work. There is no one and only "best" way. Everybody has ideas that are worthwhile. Some may make more sense to me than others, but everyone's ideas are worthwhile, and everyone has something worthwhile to contribute.

-Author Unknown

All The Hype About 2012

Happy New Year 2012!

The year has finally come! I remember talking to my friend back in 2008 about the Mayans predicting the end of the world in 2012, and laughed at how many years we still have left.

The thing is, is it really true? Well here are the many ways how the world will be predicted to end: http://www.endoftheworld2012.net/

If it is true. Should we start preparing now? Hahaha! I mean there won't be much point to save up our money and plan for next year since we are all gonna die anyway. If the world should end, I wonder how would our lives end. Alien? Earthquake? Nuclear? Anti-matter? Solar flare? Sounds painful. Ouch!

If it is not true. Then there is nothing to really think about is there? Life goes on anyway. Think about how stupid people will feel when they wake up on 2013 and nothing happened.

Problem is we have no idea whether it is true or not. How are we suppose to know whether an alien is coming, or whether the Mayans or the apocalyptic prophecy is true? In an age where everything needs proof, it is kind of hard to believe in oracles and prophecies and messiahs. All regarded as primitive and its evidences unsubstantial.

Most important of all is the collective mindset of people. How so? Because people "feel" that no such things will happen, as they "feel" comfortable and normal living lives everyday that this year will be the same as every year. A catastrophe of such a big scale "feels" just too impossible to happen. How accurate is our "feelings" really?

In conclusion we really have no idea what would happen in the future. What is important is we appreciate life everyday regardless whether the world is going to end or not.
If it is going to end, then there is nothing we can do about it, so we don't have to worry.
If it is not going to end, then there is nothing to worry about.
So there is really nothing to worry about. Haha!

Have a good year ahead everyone!